Back home amongst the miserable rain…
Yes. I have returned home. I’m not sure whether that is a relief or not. It’s good to be back I suppose. It’s funny. Everything is so familiar… Yet it’s not?
I know where everything is and how everything works but wow… If 3 months does this to me, what will 5 month do? It’s indescribable.
I slept 12 hours yesterday for the first time in many months. Considering that I haven’t been able to sleep at all lately, I think I deserved it. But I must say… My bed back here is rather uncomfortable. It’s quite hard and it kinda makes me sore and WANT to get out of bed. Which is really bad. The one bed back in my hall is really soft and easy to stay in. I remember I felt like a fatty when I kinda sunk in. I suppose the bed is “well-used” to some extent… LOL if you get what I mean ;)
So any new so far huh? No. Not really. Once I returned yesterday, mom gave me an attention rape. That was really REALLY hard to get by since I was so not used to it. I do get a lot of attention for having the mind of a 6-year-old but not like the attention that my mom gives me. It actually made me feel like a kid. I suppose I still am I kid in her eyes. Ah well, being an only child and 18. What can I do?
My mom and I had a hardcore hinting convo thou and I hit the jackpot. Mom really wants me to stay at home. She’s hinting at the moment that I should stay here and study. I’ve been refusing the whole lot so far. I told her I don’t want to go to the university here. My degree isn’t offered to a reasonable state here. Mom thinks they’re all the same. Silly woman.
At the moment. I think mom has given up that I’ll ever convert into staying here. She hasn’t paid the next instalment for my hall yet but she holds the power over it for now. I just need to keep pressuring her to an extent where she just decides to give in. She doesn’t even ask dad cos we both know that Dad will always be on my side. He knows I’m following my dream. He wants the best chance for me whereas my mother wants the safest chance for me.
The thing with taking the safest chance is that it will only be safe PHYSICAL wise. This is my personal opinion. What’s the point of being physically healthy if you’re not mentally healthy? I wasn’t mentally stable when I first left home. I’ve been through a lot… Ups and Downs. Mostly downs thou. Enormous amounts of that, that I get surprised every time. How could I be here after all that? But after I left home… I just steadily became a better person. I stopped thinking about what I should do to cover myself up because I don’t need to any more. I’m actually smiling because I simply want to! It’s easy as that! That was all I asking for last year. Now I’ve got it, I’ve got no regrets and no emotional breakdowns (apart from some stresses I had over the semester. Totally unrelated to how I felt during the past 5 years of my life. Like… finding out I was an IVF baby. The fact that I was an IVF baby didn’t affect me but when my cousin told me that, I just cried and cried so much. I was laughing mentally but something that I can’t quite confirm just let my guard down. I still don’t know why thou.)
I realize I’ve been very negative for the past few days but just to let you know, I’m back on my feet now and feeling more positive. I’m sure I will return when I’m suppose to and attend all those events that I want to go to next semester! I can’t wait til next semester begins…