My College life and its thoughts

Oh dear…

… I should have been tumbling.

10/20/2011 6:49pm

That wasn’t meant to happen but it did.

I came back to writing because well…

I’m caught up in a situation where I don’t want to talk to anyone or stop thinking about. The situation is to do with a relationship. Yes. I got a boyfriend after couple of days from the last post I posted. I’ve been literally stuck to him since (that almost makes me sound clingy but he doesn’t seem to mind.)

In a week time, my first ever college finals will be upon me and I’m not that nervous. No. I’m not a straight A+ student. Hell no. I’m just concentrating on keeping my head “in the game”. Once I pass this round, I will be cruising into second round where the competition dies down. A LOT.

My problem is for the AFTER the finals. My boyfriend wants me to come down for the holidays… But he’s avoiding to talk to his parents.

HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO STAY AT YOUR PLACE IF YOUR PARENTS DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME?

Do you expect me to suddenly be BFF if your parents the instant I meet them? Cos no matter how social I can be, that is one heck of a motherfucker to pull. It’s going to be awkward just meeting them thru Skype, how the hell do you expect me to do that in real life WITHOUT getting awkward?

Jesus. I wish he’d just tell me that he doesn’t want me to come over. I’ve been telling him for days (DAYS I TELL YE!) that he didn’t have to invite me over to his house. Getting to his house is another trouble. I gotta take a 3 hour ferry ride across the ocean because we live in different towns on different islands… Yes. Different. Motherfucking. Islands. I’m gonna get a sea sick getting to his place…

But he says “oh no. I want you over really.”… REALLY? Then tell your parents I’m coming over! I know it’s freaking stressful but I want you to at least get it over and done with. It’s dragging me down to an endless pit!

Oh Sweet Cupcakes… Help my poor soul.

My reason behind blogging…

… is to be able to let my true self be let out without ever having any of it come back to bite me in my real life.

7/07/2011 1:21am

Let’s face it. Not EVERYONE on this motherfucking Earth is going to like us for being who we are. There are people you meet who are going to be well… criticizing every little things you do in your life, making your life a little more miserable.

I started blogging because I was surrounded constantly by people who kept smothering me with their bullshit hate and retorts that I lost self-confidence. I couldn’t be who I wanted to be in real life. I’m still a bubbly, happy girl in real life but I’m known to be the young, naive, immature, innocent girl with the mind of a 5 year old. It’s okay. I don’t mind when people say that to me, cos it’s true!

… Well. Half the times anyways.

I have a tendency to cover up what I REALLY think in general so people doesn’t suspect me to have a rather philosophical mind. It’s easier to deal with people that way. They think they know all about me and try to make me miserable by using something that I’m completely immune to against me… Like calling me immature and annoying. 

Do I care? No I don’t.

However, blogging has opened up the side that I wanted to open up since I was young. When I kept everything to myself. These were the times when I didn’t think about ever sharing what my life was like or pulling out a pen and scribbling my messy heart down in order to sort it out. No. Blogging has made me a person I am today, where I am able to be as opinionated as I want to be and be happy with myself for being able to think that.

I must say, Tumblr opened up my life in a way that no pen and paper could. 

To be able to say what you want and not be judged is one of the greatest gift world can give you. To be constantly judged and stereotyped has driven me to insanity where it took most of my important teenage years away from me. Yes, I rebelled here and there. Yes, I’ve been to parties and pulled stupid stunts off. Yes, I was a suicidal teen. Because of this, I have not been able to see the bright side of life as a teenager. I have not experienced a mother’s love and I find it to be too late to go back to that now. I never felt the security from my father and I’m too grown up to be so dependent on him. There are many other things but those are the two things that I regret the most.

I think, no one should really be afraid of being who they are. I know this sounds rather overrated and hypocritical coming from me but you can’t always please everyone. If you just please everyone, you yourself don’t exist any more.

You become nothing more than a shadow and that is what I was before I became a blogger.

Perhaps one day, I will be brave enough to take ownership of this blog but until that day, I will keep on blogging my very opinionated thoughts. Why? Because it doesn’t matter what others think. Being yourself is more important than being a shadow of others.

When I was young…

4/07/2011 11:48pm

I was going thru my stationary stack at home as I am packing to go back to college tomorrow.

I’ve come across 5 notebooks in which 2 of them are still fresh (I shall take them down with me and use it for study purposes. Muhahahahahahhaha!)

The other 3 are rather interesting.

All three are diaries that I have been writing since I was the age of 7. That was the first one. I was looking through it and my oh my. My writing was terrible and I wrote about the  most uneventful things compared to now. It’s funny thou. I look through it and think to myself “Wow. I remember the days when those used to bring me so much joy.” Riding a bicycle, going on tramps, school festivals, going to school… Man. Just little things. I just could not smiling at the little KC and not to mention the picture of me as a 7 year old being right next to me, I just could not stop laughing when I saw that picture. It’s just so nostalgic!

The next one was a little boring. It was about me when I was 9 and couldn’t speak English for shit (as English is not my first language.) I decided not to read everything as the most obvious grammatical errors were making cringe like crazy.

Although interestingly enough, I wrote a very mature piece in my own language about my crush at the time. Now I’m thinking I must have been 12 when I continued on with the diary. The entry did mention “In the 5-6 years we have spent together, I have never felt this way before.” I just could not help shouting the book before I started to feel hot. I know perfectly who I was mentioning and what happened then. 

The 3rd one… is the most interesting one. So far I’ve written 18 posts of it. 18 posts through 5 years of my life. They were the stuff I wrote down when I couldn’t think of any other ways of dealing with stuff that I went through. When I had nothing to lean on, writing would ease my pain a little. I think writing just runs in my blood although I have no particular talent to draw readers in. To be honest, I write to live. So it really doesn’t matter that my writings aren’t recognized like other famous bloggers. I write to let all my unnecessary emotions run lose in my writing. It gives me a sense of peace even for that little while. It’s a sense of blissful moment for me.

I wonder when I was young, I knew I was going to have trouble growing up so that’s why I wrote all those unnecessary and embarrassing things… It’s quite shocking as to what I thought at the time, but it really does make me feel better about who I am today.

Pinky Promises… You use your pinky for a reason.

30/6/2011 8:30pm

I’ve just been lied to.

You know how when you were a kid, you’d make pinky promises with friends and it’d be actually legit because it’s a pinky promise? Well. Despite being all grown up, I still believe in that.

I’ve been taught since I was a kid is that you only make a pinky promise when you definitely will fulfil that promise no matter what. Kind of like that Unbreakable Vow in Harry Potter. I’ve also been told stories about how making a pinky promise is entwining your soul with somebody else’s and if you broke that promise, it’d mean you lose the use of that finger.

Probably cos of that, I’ve never broken a pinky promise that I’ve made with friends my whole life. It’s been one thing that I’ve always stuck on to and always will. It’s good in a way, because it means stuff I promise aren’t just empty words which makes them empty promises. It makes me true and a honest person.

HOWEVER just because I believe in such things, doesn’t mean it applies to everyone right? I mean it’d be nice if everyone was told the same thing as me since I was a kid. I suppose some would lose the belief behind it as they grow up but I get so sad and disappointed by the empty promises that I get given. I know I shouldn’t really be whining about it cos you can’t have everything in the world to go your way but… Wow. I really do get rather sad over it.

I mean, just word wise I don’t mind to much because words can be changed have a different meaning, but pinky promises are pretty much saying you both agree on the same thing and therefore allowing yourself to entwine your soul with another! I don’t understand how some people just don’t really feel bad for it at all. Is it really that insignificant and trivial? -sigh-

Perhaps. It’s time for me to just grow up and accept the fact that some people aren’t going to be who you think they are. As much as I want to believe that everyone would keep promises, there’s no way that will ever happen.

How depressing.